a little rage is okay

Someone from the Austin Alzheimer's Association contacted me last week and asked if I would be willing to share my story/connection with Alzheimer's. They want to document what families go through when someone is diagnosed and possible use the story for the media. I was immediately torn. On the one hand, having to share my story would mean that I would have to think about the disease, think back to all of the hard and sad times, think ahead to all of the hard and sad times to come- I wasn't sure if I could do it. But, on the other hand, I thought about how much I would have loved to find someone's story like mine, when my dad was first diagnosed. It would have helped a tremendous amount to know that I wasn't alone. After thinking about it for awhile, I decided that I would do it. Yes, it is going to suck, but if it could maybe help one person, then it will be worth it. So, I agreed to do it.

I tried to start numerous times, but I couldn't. It was like I had writer's block or something. After two days, I finally just started typing whatever came to my mind. I didn't worry about formatting, spelling, how it sounded or anything. I just started. As I was typing, I found myself getting angry. I wanted to yell ALZHEIMER'S SUCKS!!!!

Before getting started, I asked if they wanted me to include anything in my 'story.' If they had any points they wanted me to talk about? She was very nice and said anything and everything I wanted to share. She gave me some great broad questions that helped me get started. One of the questions that was suggested to me was how does it make you feel? WELL, let me tell you! Alzheimer's makes me feel mad! Sad! Upset! Unfair! WHY US?! I could go on and on. Another question was how do you deal with it? Um, you can't. Just when you finally start dealing with one symptom, another one shows up, and it's like you have to start all over again. Frustrating? YES. VERY.

With my dad having this horrid disease, I am learning patience. My dad wrote me a very sweet Valentine's Day note. However, he spelled my name wrong... twice. On the envelope, he spelled it Kaitlin. In the letter, he spelled it Katlyn. (Which is at least a little closer then the first attempt.) This got to me. I am named KATELYN because of my dad. He liked the name Kate. My mom thought I should have a longer name, which lead to adding Lyn (after her sister.) They spelled it the way it is because of my dad. How does the person who named me forget how to spell my name?! Because I don't have Alz, I can't possibly understand. I have to remind myself that he can't help it. I can't let it hurt me. Patience. Thank you Jesus.

Trying to write my 'story' put me in a funk all day Saturday. But, I am doing it for that one person who might stumble across it when they need it. I don't like reliving the pain, but I know that it could possibly help someone in the future. I am thankful for this blog, because it lets me vent my anger and frustration. Now, I won't yell so much in the story I give to the Alzheimer's Association. I am going to be real and upfront in what I say. I am not going to sugarcoat what my family and I deal with, but I will try to do it with a little less rage and irritation. :)

Dear Lord, help me write. Please hold my hand as I relive what I sometimes try to forget.